Preparing a Parenting Plan

What is a parenting plan?

This version of a parenting plan is a document that describes how you, as a father, intend to care for your child(ren) should you be awarded custody. The parenting plan should include everything from living arrangements, to after school care and activities. This is something your lawyer, law guardian, and judge will be interested to see.

Please note that other websites may define a parenting plan as a document that both parents create together, ensuring agreement on all subjects.

The parenting plan I’m suggesting to you here, is different in that it is only your thoughts, and the purpose is to show the Court that you’ve taken the time to think out your role and responsibilities. This parenting plan serves to set you apart from other dad’s who may feel they can’t really handle custody, or flat out don’t want it. These fathers may initially, half-heartedly, petition the Court for custody, out of concern that their children may feel unwanted by them, but will not follow through to a trial.

How will a documented parenting plan help me?

This document proves to the Court that you are indeed serious about having custody. It shows that you’ve considered many different aspects and issues that will confront you as a single parent. It’s easy to say that you want custody of your children, but putting forth an effort to build a plan to carry it out is much more intense. So, you should prepare it carefully. It’s not something that will be done in a day’s time.

No matter who gets custody, a new parenting plan will be created in consideration of the smallest details. Both parents will have to agree on that one.

Parenting plan example (outline)

Proposed Parenting Plan, submitted respectfully by ……..

Introduction and case for custody

• State the children’s ages, and any special needs. (How will you handle the special needs?)
• Indicate any special notes regarding how the children have bonded with you.
• Indicate that you are aware that the best interests of the child(ren) are the main consideration.
• Availability – indicate your availability, and if the mother has any restrictions on her availability such as school, or unusual work obligations.
• Health of parents indicate your health, and if the mother has any health restrictions that might hinder her parenting responsibilities.
• Willingness to facilitate relationship with other parent – it is very important that you state your intention to keep the mother in the childrens’ lives, should you be awarded custody. If possible, state how you will ensure this.

Parenting Plan for Residential Custody

• Residence – discuss where the children will live
• School emergencies – who will care for the children, should there be a school emergency? What happens if the child(ren) get sick in school, and need to go home?
• School days – what will the typical school day be like? Who will get the children fed, ready, and on the bus/delivered to school? Who will be home when the children get off the bus? Who will care for them and make their dinner?
• After school activities – who will take the children to after school activities?
• Parent/Child activities – will the children be involved in any parent/child activities?
• Weekends – who will have the children on weekends?
• Summer – who will care for the children during the summer?
• Therapy - (Optional) As a parent, do you feel your child(ren) should be in therapy, in order to cope with the loss of divorce, or other issue? Which parent will take on this responsibility?
• Health – Who will handle the children’s medical needs? Will you continue to visit the same pediatrician, and specialists the child(ren) is currently using? Is there a need for a new doctor?
• Religious – who will ensure that the children get a religious education (if applicable)?
• Holidays - How do you envision that holidays will be handled? Which parent will the children visit for each holiday?

As a rational father, with his children's best interests at heart, you should close your parenting plan by stating the desire to forge a healthy and constructive relationship, for the benefit of the children, with their mother.

For additional parenting plan assistance, feel free to contact me.

Preparing a Parental Resume

What is a father’s parental resume?

A parental resume is exactly what it sounds like, a resume that you’ve built out of your own parental experience since the birth of your first child.

While your wife may be hostile and downplay any fatherly role you have portrayed, the purpose of this resume is to show the people involved in your custody case (lawyer, law guardians, therapists, and the judge, to name a few) the actual level of commitment you’ve had as a father toward your child(ren) since the day they were born.

If you know someone who writes really well, enlist their help in developing this document.

How will having a father’s parental resume help me?

This document is well worth the time and the effort, and may end up saving you money in the long run. Your attorney is bogged down in several divorce and custody cases at the same time as yours. All these cases are at different stages, with different people, and have different circumstances. Can you imagine what it’s like to try and remember all the facts surrounding each case? You may think you pay your attorney enough to do just that, but the fact remains attorneys are people too. Having this reference on hand may save you a $200 phone call when your attorney has forgotten some aspect of your case.

What do I include on a parental resume?

Your name and address

Names. ages, and gender of your children

Regular activities you engage in with each your children in any capacity, such as coach, instructor, volunteer, driver, parent team member, booster club, etc. List each affiliation and position on a separate line, and the years you performed in that capacity. Also write a sentence stating what you enjoyed most about the experience.

If you regularly take your child to the doctor, list that and the doctor’s name and town. Do this for all medical/dental personnel.

If you participate in religious education and services with your child list that as well.

List any big one-time events that you’ve engaged in with your child, such as walk-a-thons, or other volunteer activities. State your reasons for engaging the child(ren) in these volunteer activities.

If you are responsible for making sure the house is clean, list it.

If you know how to cook and provide meals for the children, list it.

Describe how you successfully discipline your child.

Describe how you’ve bonded with each of your children.

If you read to your child regularly

If you (alone) are responsible for the children between certain hours, list it.

If you are the one the school nurse calls when the child is sick, definitely list that.

If you have a special needs child, and you are especially close to this child describe the specialness of the relationship.

Explain why you feel that you’re the better candidate for custody. Just like in a resume, describe situations where you feel you were exemplary.

The point is to document your role in your child’s life, and to illustrate the extent of your active and ongoing involvement in all aspects of your child's life.

For further assistance with a parental resume, feel free to contact me.

Cooking for Your Children

When cooking for your children, the most important thing to remember is to make it healthy. Healthy means that foods should be of a variety, and in consideration of the main food groups.
You do not need to make elaborate meals. Often, the simplest meals are the healthiest.

Here are some sample meals that are quick, easy and healthful for your children. These are by no means the most perfect meals, but they are healthy and foods that most children will eat. Just be sure to balance the meal between the food groups; protein, vegetables and fruits, starches (go easy on these, as they turn to sugar as they are digested!), and dairy.

If you choose to go organic, here's a kid-friendly organic resource!

Sample meals

Breakfast

Egg, fried, omelette, scrambled.
Orange juice.
Toast
1 or 2% Milk, or calcium enriched orange juice.

Yogurt
Orange slices, or other fruit
Low sugar, vitamin enriched cereal
1 or 2 or 2% Milk, or calcium enriched orange juice.

Low fat, low sodium bacon or sausage
Handful of grapes.
Waffles (use frozen, or make your own from the recipe on the back of the pancake mix box)
1 or 2% Milk, or calcium enriched orange juice.

Low fat, low sodium bacon or sausage
Strawberries, or other fruit
Pancakes (Some mixes are ‘just add water’ – look for them.)
1 or 2% Milk, or calcium enriched orange juice.

Low sodium bacon
French Toast (Make frozen, or make your own .)
Apple slices
1 or 2% Milk, or calcium enriched orange juice.

Lunches
Low fat, low sodium turkey sandwich
Cherry tomatoes
The bread is the starch.
1 or 2% Milk

Cheese pizza
Salad
The crust is the starch.
1 or 2% Milk

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Apple or other fruit
The bread is the starch.
1 or 2% Milk

Protein-enriched macaroni and cheese
Carrot sticks
The pasta is the starch
1 or 2% Milk

Dinner
Steak
Broccoli, or spinach
Add any fruit after the meal.
Potato (for a variety, use baked, frozen French fries – in the oven, or instant in a box. The instant has improved a lot over the years and is soooo easy!)
1 or 2% milk.

Protein-enriched spaghetti with meat sauce
Salad made with dark green lettuce, tomatoes, and other veggies.
Add any fruit after the meal.
The spaghetti is also the starch, but you can add a small piece of bread.
1 or 2% milk.

Turkey breast (sandwich)
Salad made with dark green lettuce, tomatoes, and other veggies.
Add any fruit after the meal.
The bread is the starch.
1 or 2% milk.

Roasted chicken
Peas and carrot mixture.
Add any fruit after the meal.
Brown rice
1 or 2% milk.

Frozen fish sticks
Broccoli
Add any fruit after the meal.
Macaroni and Cheese
(or try organic mac n cheese!)
1 or 2% milk.

Cheese Pizza
Salad
Add any fruit after the meal.
Pizza dough is the starch.
1 or 2% milk.

Hamburger made of 85-90% chopped beef.
String beans
Add any fruit after the meal.
French fries
1 or 2% milk.

Shopping list to start you
Apples, Berries, other Fruits
Carrots, celery, or other ‘munchable’ veggie.
Broccoli
Velveeta cheese, either in a jar or bar.
1 or 2% Milk
Fruit yogurt (most do not like the “fruit on the bottom” variety)
Orange juice
Eggs
Frozen French fries
Pre-cooked (roasted), or uncooked chicken.
80-92% Fat free chopped beef
Sliced turkey breast for lunches.
Peanut butter and Jelly
Whole wheat, or multigrain bread.
Salad (dark green lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers)
Protein-enriched macaroni and cheese.
Protein-enriched spaghetti
Jarred meat sauce (or buy a plain sauce and add cooked chopped meat)
Loaf of bread for sandwiches
Cherry tomatoes
Cold low-sugar breakfast cereals
Hot low-sugar breakfast cereals

So you want custody of your children...

This article is about strengthening your position as a father during your marriage, as well as what to do when in the throes of a divorce and custody dispute. Please note: I am not a lawyer, but more of a social observer with divorce experience, and keen insight into the situation. Lawyers will help you through the courts; my intent is to help you with life in general right now.

With the divorce rates hovering between 36 and 40% (or more in the rest of the country), it seems every other person you know is involved in a divorce/custody situation. Courts changing their mothers-only custody views, and giving due consideration to fathers, is an unbearably slow phenomenon. There is a need in these times to give divorcing fathers some words of wisdom from a woman’s perspective.

Why aren’t fathers preferred for custody?
Historically and customarily, custody has gone to the mother under the theory that they are better suited to care for children. (This is barring any psychological issues or living habits that would adversely affect the child. See Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline.) I would venture to say that in many cases this is true. However, there are also cases where the mom is not the better suited parent; the father is!

By and large, today’s court system rebuffs the father-custody request with the philosophy that the father merely serves a social position in the child’s life, while the mother is biologically tied. In all practicality, I’m not sure what benefit that notion serves the child after the umbilical cord has been cut, but the situation is what it is.

Time after time, I’ve seen fathers in a custody battle with a clearly insane, psychotic, or otherwise undiagnosed, mentally ill wife, with not enough funds to pursue a trial for custody. I have one friend who, in 1998, experienced a fairly easy divorce, but the fees involved in the custody dispute pushed the cost to $80,000. Today that same scenario would easily be over $100,000 for forensics and other psychological tests. (Note: Forensics are studies done by a therapist, used to evaluate parents, in order to suggest a custody arrangement to the judge. NY Times article. )

Another father that I know has a ‘husband –beater’ for a wife, with a domestic violence issue on her record. This is a demoralizing position to be in, especially in front of his children. Yet, amazingly, the courts don’t seem to take it too seriously.

Over time, I’ve seen many fathers go down to the mat for custody, only to lose the fight early on. I’ve noticed a common denominator among these good, hard-working fathers, this being 1) lack of awareness during the marriage and, 2) not enough down and dirty involvement with their kids.

How can fathers safeguard their role in the family?
To address this, fathers need to look at the role any good parent plays in their child’s life. If you have been playing that role all along, don’t be surprised if your wife suddenly starts taking an interest in taking little Charlie to the dentist, doctor, ophthalmologist, and the like, especially upon commencement of the divorce proceedings. It doesn’t matter who initiated the divorce, women can be master chess players when the need arises.

Along the lines of protecting yourself while in the marriage, Dads, fathers, take note here... you are not ‘babysitters’. When you are the only parent in the house (i.e. your wife goes to the store), and a friend calls, do not say you are “babysitting the kids”. This is not the mindset to have. Do you think your wife says she’s “babysitting the kids” when you are out of the home? NO. This is the first step in shared parenting.

Set the precedent that you are more than the proverbial “Disneyland Dad.” Take care of school and healthcare issues. Go to PTA meetings. Be a part of their religious education. Get to know your children’s friends, and their parents. Be in contact with your children’s schoolteachers, coaches and religious-ed teachers. If you and your wife both work, when your child gets ill at school, think twice about staying at work and letting her pick up your child at the nurse’s office. As the dad, you need to be just as visible to the people in your child’s world as your wife.

Fathers who work 2nd and 3rd shifts will have it especially difficult. A concerted effort should be made to find the time to spend with your child, and be that good parent.

Mind games...
In most situations fathers and mothers each feel they truly are the better suited parent for residential custody for very good reasons, but ulterior motives often come into play. Some of these include spite, to punish perceived (or real) wrongs. Or, they may use custody as a pawn in the divorce, sometimes even to win material objects acquired during the marriage. Women may do it because they feel societal pressure, as it is expected that the mom should have the children.

If you want custody...
If you’re a dad and want custody, remember the judge is looking out for the best needs of the children. With that in mind:

Throw away your ego
Brace yourself. Disputing child custody is not for the faint of heart.

First of all, your children are your prime concern. You are not allowed to engage them in any dispute with their mother. You may not bad mouth her in front of them (even though she may be doing that exact thing to you). You can ask the court to have her removed from the premises but they are not likely to do that, unless she is doing something that would harm the children. Bad-mouthing you by itself is not enough.

Always take the higher road in a sticky situation with your soon-to-be ex.

State your request for custody to your lawyer (often if necessary!).
You need to ASK for it and be very persistent about it because some fathers ask for custody without the intention of actually getting custody. Their motive is either spite, or so that the kids will know that he fought for them. You need to separate yourself from that lot with clear and concise evidence to build your case.

Be an active part of your child’s life
Inform your attorney of your involvement in your child’s school and healthcare issues. Join the PTA. Take your child to the doctor or specialist’s office when a visit is needed. Share in their religious education (again, driving, homework, volunteering). Become a class parent, if possible. If not, periodically volunteer in the classroom, if appropriate, and be in touch with the teacher. The teacher should know of the divorce as it pertains to the child but do not engage the teacher into taking sides. This will surely backfire, and will not be in the best interest of your child.

You say you can’t do it all? Look at the women out there who ARE! Either you want it bad enough, or you don’t.

Be the rational parent, not the irrational one!
This is extremely important. The Court looks for a parent who is rational, level headed, and continually acts in the best interests of the children. If the children’s mother is out of control, you should not react and engage. Imagine you are wearing some kind of special coat of armour that protects you from her hurtful, taunting barbs.

The Court also wants the children’s world to change as little as possible after the divorce, so keeping the marital home, or buying another home in the same school district would be a good thing to enhance your chances of retaining child custody.

Take parenting classes
You may be able to write the book on parenting, but a class or two looks wonderful on a parental resume! There are even online parenting courses, such as "Putting Kids First."

Learn how to cook
If you don’t know how to cook – learn FAST, and ensure balanced meals for your children. That means, for dinner, a protein (meat), and a green-leafy vegetable (spinach, broccoli, salad with dark green lettuce) at minimum. From that point you can add a starch (potatoes, macaroni and cheese, rice, bread, etc.). See my blog. "Cooking for Your Children" for some ideas. Also, Kraft Foods has some great recipes that children will love, not to mention recipes for cooking with your children.

Create a Parental Resume
You are re-applying for your job as a father. Create a Parental Resume. This topic is discussed further on my blog, "Preparing a Parental Resume."

Give copies of this resume to your attorney, and your children’s law guardian, if one is appointed.

Create a Parenting Plan
Write out a Parenting Plan. You may even want to have two parenting plans, depending on your situation, one for if you get sole custody, and another for a shared custody situation. This topic is discussed further on my blog, "Preparing a Parenting Plan."

Give copies of the parenting plan to your attorney and to the children’s law guardian. This shows that you’re serious about wanting custody of your children, not just giving lip-service.

Use your attorney-time wisely
Remember that your case is not the only case your attorney is handling. Attorneys are always handling several divorces and custody disputes at the same time, which are at various stages within the system. So it pays to utilize your attorney time in the most efficient way.

If you have to phone your attorney, don’t make individual calls for each question. Attorneys generally charge using tenth (6 minutes) or quarter (15 minutes) hours as minimum billing increments. It doesn’t matter if your question only took three seconds to answer. You will be charged for the full increment (ka-ching!). Find out your attorney’s policy and make the most of it.

Remember, this is a chess game. You will need a game plan. Your attorney will help you, but you will not be able to win custody if you don’t enable him/her with pertinent information such as facts, figures, and history.

Consider shared custody
Consider shared physical custody. In this arrangement the children lives with each parent 50% of the time. You will both need to live in the same school district. Note that this arrangement can only work when both parties agree. Otherwise, it can lead to a situation where every daily decision is contested. This is not in the best interest of the child.

Be advised that “shared residential custody” does not necessarily mean you will not pay child support. This decision is up to the judge and the laws of your state. However, if the two of you are amicable enough to agree to split all child-related costs, the judge is more likely to consider that prospect in his decision.

Seek out support
Do not be alone in this. You need to find other fathers in the same boat. (This is what women do!) Try http://www.meetup.com/, and look for meet up groups under the topic of "Father's Rights" or "Dads," in or near your town.

Join a father’s rights group and scour the internet for information. Read books on the subject...There’s a wealth of information on the subject of father's rights out there. Go to the library. Check http://www.amazon.com/ for readers-ratings and used books. There is no such thing as having too much information when it comes to protecting your rights as a father, and securing custody of your children.

Take care of you
If you are a high-anxiety type, consider some meditation, psychological therapy, or even medication from your doctor. If you find yourself having panic attacks during the day or the middle of the night, consult with a professional. There is no need to suffer. Going through a divorce is extremely stressful, and getting help during this stressful time is considered a healthy thing by the courts.

Bear in mind that 25% the population has a major episode of depression at one point in their lives, or other. And, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 118 million prescriptions for anti-depressants were written in 2005. These figures do not exclude lawyers, judges, or fathers! There is no scarlet letter involved with getting some assistance. You may even consider getting some counselling for the children as a preventive measure.

Be creative
If it’s apparent you’re not going to get any level of residential custody, ask the court for as much time with your children as possible. Be creative. You can request every weekend, or every other weekend, and also days during the week. Be sure to include the right-of-first-refusal to care for the children, when the mom needs a ‘babysitter.’

Look forward to the future
And remember, if your children are still small, at some point they will be able to petition the court to live with you, if they so desire. In some states the age is 12, in others 15, or 16. It doesn’t mean they will automatically be granted the request, but a judge will listen to them and consider their case.