So you want custody of your children...

This article is about strengthening your position as a father during your marriage, as well as what to do when in the throes of a divorce and custody dispute. Please note: I am not a lawyer, but more of a social observer with divorce experience, and keen insight into the situation. Lawyers will help you through the courts; my intent is to help you with life in general right now.

With the divorce rates hovering between 36 and 40% (or more in the rest of the country), it seems every other person you know is involved in a divorce/custody situation. Courts changing their mothers-only custody views, and giving due consideration to fathers, is an unbearably slow phenomenon. There is a need in these times to give divorcing fathers some words of wisdom from a woman’s perspective.

Why aren’t fathers preferred for custody?
Historically and customarily, custody has gone to the mother under the theory that they are better suited to care for children. (This is barring any psychological issues or living habits that would adversely affect the child. See Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline.) I would venture to say that in many cases this is true. However, there are also cases where the mom is not the better suited parent; the father is!

By and large, today’s court system rebuffs the father-custody request with the philosophy that the father merely serves a social position in the child’s life, while the mother is biologically tied. In all practicality, I’m not sure what benefit that notion serves the child after the umbilical cord has been cut, but the situation is what it is.

Time after time, I’ve seen fathers in a custody battle with a clearly insane, psychotic, or otherwise undiagnosed, mentally ill wife, with not enough funds to pursue a trial for custody. I have one friend who, in 1998, experienced a fairly easy divorce, but the fees involved in the custody dispute pushed the cost to $80,000. Today that same scenario would easily be over $100,000 for forensics and other psychological tests. (Note: Forensics are studies done by a therapist, used to evaluate parents, in order to suggest a custody arrangement to the judge. NY Times article. )

Another father that I know has a ‘husband –beater’ for a wife, with a domestic violence issue on her record. This is a demoralizing position to be in, especially in front of his children. Yet, amazingly, the courts don’t seem to take it too seriously.

Over time, I’ve seen many fathers go down to the mat for custody, only to lose the fight early on. I’ve noticed a common denominator among these good, hard-working fathers, this being 1) lack of awareness during the marriage and, 2) not enough down and dirty involvement with their kids.

How can fathers safeguard their role in the family?
To address this, fathers need to look at the role any good parent plays in their child’s life. If you have been playing that role all along, don’t be surprised if your wife suddenly starts taking an interest in taking little Charlie to the dentist, doctor, ophthalmologist, and the like, especially upon commencement of the divorce proceedings. It doesn’t matter who initiated the divorce, women can be master chess players when the need arises.

Along the lines of protecting yourself while in the marriage, Dads, fathers, take note here... you are not ‘babysitters’. When you are the only parent in the house (i.e. your wife goes to the store), and a friend calls, do not say you are “babysitting the kids”. This is not the mindset to have. Do you think your wife says she’s “babysitting the kids” when you are out of the home? NO. This is the first step in shared parenting.

Set the precedent that you are more than the proverbial “Disneyland Dad.” Take care of school and healthcare issues. Go to PTA meetings. Be a part of their religious education. Get to know your children’s friends, and their parents. Be in contact with your children’s schoolteachers, coaches and religious-ed teachers. If you and your wife both work, when your child gets ill at school, think twice about staying at work and letting her pick up your child at the nurse’s office. As the dad, you need to be just as visible to the people in your child’s world as your wife.

Fathers who work 2nd and 3rd shifts will have it especially difficult. A concerted effort should be made to find the time to spend with your child, and be that good parent.

Mind games...
In most situations fathers and mothers each feel they truly are the better suited parent for residential custody for very good reasons, but ulterior motives often come into play. Some of these include spite, to punish perceived (or real) wrongs. Or, they may use custody as a pawn in the divorce, sometimes even to win material objects acquired during the marriage. Women may do it because they feel societal pressure, as it is expected that the mom should have the children.

If you want custody...
If you’re a dad and want custody, remember the judge is looking out for the best needs of the children. With that in mind:

Throw away your ego
Brace yourself. Disputing child custody is not for the faint of heart.

First of all, your children are your prime concern. You are not allowed to engage them in any dispute with their mother. You may not bad mouth her in front of them (even though she may be doing that exact thing to you). You can ask the court to have her removed from the premises but they are not likely to do that, unless she is doing something that would harm the children. Bad-mouthing you by itself is not enough.

Always take the higher road in a sticky situation with your soon-to-be ex.

State your request for custody to your lawyer (often if necessary!).
You need to ASK for it and be very persistent about it because some fathers ask for custody without the intention of actually getting custody. Their motive is either spite, or so that the kids will know that he fought for them. You need to separate yourself from that lot with clear and concise evidence to build your case.

Be an active part of your child’s life
Inform your attorney of your involvement in your child’s school and healthcare issues. Join the PTA. Take your child to the doctor or specialist’s office when a visit is needed. Share in their religious education (again, driving, homework, volunteering). Become a class parent, if possible. If not, periodically volunteer in the classroom, if appropriate, and be in touch with the teacher. The teacher should know of the divorce as it pertains to the child but do not engage the teacher into taking sides. This will surely backfire, and will not be in the best interest of your child.

You say you can’t do it all? Look at the women out there who ARE! Either you want it bad enough, or you don’t.

Be the rational parent, not the irrational one!
This is extremely important. The Court looks for a parent who is rational, level headed, and continually acts in the best interests of the children. If the children’s mother is out of control, you should not react and engage. Imagine you are wearing some kind of special coat of armour that protects you from her hurtful, taunting barbs.

The Court also wants the children’s world to change as little as possible after the divorce, so keeping the marital home, or buying another home in the same school district would be a good thing to enhance your chances of retaining child custody.

Take parenting classes
You may be able to write the book on parenting, but a class or two looks wonderful on a parental resume! There are even online parenting courses, such as "Putting Kids First."

Learn how to cook
If you don’t know how to cook – learn FAST, and ensure balanced meals for your children. That means, for dinner, a protein (meat), and a green-leafy vegetable (spinach, broccoli, salad with dark green lettuce) at minimum. From that point you can add a starch (potatoes, macaroni and cheese, rice, bread, etc.). See my blog. "Cooking for Your Children" for some ideas. Also, Kraft Foods has some great recipes that children will love, not to mention recipes for cooking with your children.

Create a Parental Resume
You are re-applying for your job as a father. Create a Parental Resume. This topic is discussed further on my blog, "Preparing a Parental Resume."

Give copies of this resume to your attorney, and your children’s law guardian, if one is appointed.

Create a Parenting Plan
Write out a Parenting Plan. You may even want to have two parenting plans, depending on your situation, one for if you get sole custody, and another for a shared custody situation. This topic is discussed further on my blog, "Preparing a Parenting Plan."

Give copies of the parenting plan to your attorney and to the children’s law guardian. This shows that you’re serious about wanting custody of your children, not just giving lip-service.

Use your attorney-time wisely
Remember that your case is not the only case your attorney is handling. Attorneys are always handling several divorces and custody disputes at the same time, which are at various stages within the system. So it pays to utilize your attorney time in the most efficient way.

If you have to phone your attorney, don’t make individual calls for each question. Attorneys generally charge using tenth (6 minutes) or quarter (15 minutes) hours as minimum billing increments. It doesn’t matter if your question only took three seconds to answer. You will be charged for the full increment (ka-ching!). Find out your attorney’s policy and make the most of it.

Remember, this is a chess game. You will need a game plan. Your attorney will help you, but you will not be able to win custody if you don’t enable him/her with pertinent information such as facts, figures, and history.

Consider shared custody
Consider shared physical custody. In this arrangement the children lives with each parent 50% of the time. You will both need to live in the same school district. Note that this arrangement can only work when both parties agree. Otherwise, it can lead to a situation where every daily decision is contested. This is not in the best interest of the child.

Be advised that “shared residential custody” does not necessarily mean you will not pay child support. This decision is up to the judge and the laws of your state. However, if the two of you are amicable enough to agree to split all child-related costs, the judge is more likely to consider that prospect in his decision.

Seek out support
Do not be alone in this. You need to find other fathers in the same boat. (This is what women do!) Try http://www.meetup.com/, and look for meet up groups under the topic of "Father's Rights" or "Dads," in or near your town.

Join a father’s rights group and scour the internet for information. Read books on the subject...There’s a wealth of information on the subject of father's rights out there. Go to the library. Check http://www.amazon.com/ for readers-ratings and used books. There is no such thing as having too much information when it comes to protecting your rights as a father, and securing custody of your children.

Take care of you
If you are a high-anxiety type, consider some meditation, psychological therapy, or even medication from your doctor. If you find yourself having panic attacks during the day or the middle of the night, consult with a professional. There is no need to suffer. Going through a divorce is extremely stressful, and getting help during this stressful time is considered a healthy thing by the courts.

Bear in mind that 25% the population has a major episode of depression at one point in their lives, or other. And, according to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 118 million prescriptions for anti-depressants were written in 2005. These figures do not exclude lawyers, judges, or fathers! There is no scarlet letter involved with getting some assistance. You may even consider getting some counselling for the children as a preventive measure.

Be creative
If it’s apparent you’re not going to get any level of residential custody, ask the court for as much time with your children as possible. Be creative. You can request every weekend, or every other weekend, and also days during the week. Be sure to include the right-of-first-refusal to care for the children, when the mom needs a ‘babysitter.’

Look forward to the future
And remember, if your children are still small, at some point they will be able to petition the court to live with you, if they so desire. In some states the age is 12, in others 15, or 16. It doesn’t mean they will automatically be granted the request, but a judge will listen to them and consider their case.